Have you ever had everyone around you agree that you’re doing well, but at the same time you feel like you’re failing? That you’re not doing enough? That your life is supposed to better than it is and it’s your fault that it’s not?
Generally I get the impression that others approve of who I am and what I do.
I’m a pretty busy with little free time to spare for the most part. A trait I’ve noticed to be admirable amongst the general population as productivity usually equals value. I’m eclectic in my hobbies and dabble in many activities from athletics to musical composition. For the most part I feel that I demonstrate a sense of competence from in my dealings with other people.
However recently I’ve been dissatisfied with what I’ve been actually doing with my time. It’s kind of affected my self esteem. Even though I have the general approval of my peers and mentors I’ve had a sinking feeling like I’m behind the curve in where I’m supposed to be in my life. Maybe it’s because I turned 25 and I imagined being a homeowner at this age, or that I had the overzealous impression that I was just so damn gifted that I would have found some amazing career that afforded me a six figure income while having an Adonis like physique.
What I’m having the most difficulty understanding is what this desire to accomplish more comes from. I’m sure it’s a universal feeling, in that we all wish to accomplish more than we currently do. Albeit I’m also sure there is a distribution of actual desire versus willingness to accomplish amongst the population. However it’s an emotion that anyone with the competence required to read this blog should be able to relate to.
Even more so, what if we are all ingrained with this desire to do more with the time we have given and yet regardless of our accomplishments we perpetually continue to want more? It’s even more ironic that our acquisition of epistemology is so inherently skewed. Although I understand it would be for the purpose of keeping humanity productive, as complacency doesn’t necessarily get us anywhere. However from many long nights of blogging and self reflection I’ve taken on a slightly nihilistic view of the intrinsic value of most of whatever it is that we do as we exist day to day.
However because I developed this stalwart perspective into the purpose of our actions I’ve developed a stronger sense of self esteem for the most part. Ever more so I’m relatively invulnerable to criticism of others because of this nihilistic perspective.
Basically in a cosmic sense your perspective or any criticism you have to say simply has no value to me. Now don’t think I just say it this way to sound like I’m that confident. It’s a philosophical ends that I have drawn from much introspection into the greater meaning of thought.
Hilariously a coworker that I’ve worked with since we were both 19, (that’s almost 6 years now!) asked me just YESTERDAY. “Hey are you still in SCHOOL?” in a diminutive fashion. My response was “Yes, I’m pursuing a PhD.” He responded with “Wow, well after you’ve been in school forever what kinda job will you get with that?” in a mickey mouse fashion, as if there were no value in higher education.
I responded with “Medical Research, make people live longer.” And I then proceeded to walk away. It’s hilarious, as this person dropped out of college at the age of 19, got married, had a wedding in his backyard, rented out a condo from his cousin and got a second job at target because his cultish small church taught him that we’re all going to die anyway so education doesn’t matter and good Christian men don’t let their women leave the home to work. So by having two customer service jobs 80 hours a week somehow makes you a good husband even though you never get to see you wife or kids. (I’m ranting much?) He’s the father of three children and he’s gained 80 lbs since he got married. He’s 24 (so younger than me!) and he looks like he’s 38.
It’s not as if he’s truly wrong or invalid, but I stop and wonder. Does this guy ever have self reflection? Does he ever think, “Hey, maybe I went about this whole method of life thing wrong.” I mean, I’ve sat back and thought what if I did the same as him? Although none of it is appealing to me at first glance, I’m sure there is its merit and value. However from his physical appearance and level of constant exhaustion, he looks incredibly unhappy.
What makes me shudder is that his paradigm of thought is an ubiquitous one, shared by those that fail to make judgments for themselves and rely purely on the whims of mentors. Be those mentors employers, religious figures, teachers, family etc.
Establish some values on your own for damn Pete’s sake.
All of that said I am still vulnerable to a critique that I give myself, because without it I would have never been able to be forced to face reality as it persists to be. There is value in self reflection; however it may vary from one to another.
Today I gave myself a reality check. I unfortunately did it at the misfortune of older students in my sciences class but it was just that one “Ah Ha” moment I was looking for. Basically, it’s not too late to accomplish whatever I have planned. It’s just going to take more time.
A little background: I’m a little dissatisfied that I completed my education in Psychology, in that I have no real interest in counseling others or even dealing with interpersonal conflicts. It’s just not my thing, I lack the patience and I’m too authoritarian to passionately explain the purpose of happiness to someone stuck in a cycle of perpetual dysthymia. I know there are people out there that love stuff like that, but I don’t.
I found out I hold a passion for further understanding and possibly improving the function of human physiology, unfortunately after I already graduated college. In an attempt to attend graduate school in a new subject I’ve enrolled at community level courses to meet requirements to be admitted to a biological sciences program. While I’ve done very well in the sciences at Cuyamaca it’s been a daunting task to stay motivated in what I’ve been doing. For anyone that’s majored in chemistry, the coursework is very rigorous, and in addition I’m already a college graduate. The fact that I’m asked on a frequent basis “What’s your major” is kind of weird, in that I have to give an awkward answer of “I don’t have one, because I’m taking these difficult science courses for just credit.” Which then ensues a further discussion about my purpose in life with the casual acquaintance. Very annoying.
Even if admitted to the biomedical sciences doctoral program that I applied for, I still feel unprepared. I may need yet another year of community before I am qualified to compete at the level of other students. Also, even if I was accepted to it this year, I wouldn’t be finished with grad school till I was 31 and that’s not even considering post doctoral work. I would say that this something that is kind of discouraging, in that I won’t even have had a real “Career” job until I’m in my 30’s.
However, seeing this 48 year old man working just as hard as I was doing orbital geometry was inspiring. The fact that he has to work with people on chemistry projects that are less than half his age has to be even more belittling than my little problems of already having a BA. I gained some perspective, and felt motivated that the premise of being in grad school for a long time isn’t really THAT bad. In fact, I need to be grateful that I had the ability to find enough support to return to school, as so many just aren’t able to.
In addition, I reminded myself that if it was easy, everyone would do it. I looked up some statistics, and about0.95% of the American population has a PhD. That’s less than 1%! My goal is to be in less than 1% of the most educated people in America. It’s as if I got a backhand from reality saying “Stop whining that life isn’t perfect, weakling.”
From this moment I’ve decided I don’t really care how long it takes, or if I’m judged by others for not having an established career yet, my own home etc. They can only see the value of my actions from their own clouded paradigm. Even though I’m aware my own paradigm is clouded as well, it’s my damn paradigm, and I’ve got every right to uphold what I’ve learned to value.
Here’s to the end of a very difficult semester, and to the beginning of many more that will be more challenging than the last.
Peace
-El Yoey
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